A Couch in the Kitchen: Facing Divorce as a 49-Year-Old Breast Cancer Survivor

A Couch in the Kitchen: Facing Divorce as a 49-Year-Old Breast Cancer Survivor

Saturday, October 14, 2023

I try to keep my voice light and untroubled as I quickly tour the movers through the home Mike and I bought only a year and a half ago, pointing out which furniture will go to my new place and which will stay here. Mike had told me to just take everything but the mattress – and maybe the futon so he could still watch TV in the loft. But I figured 2500 square feet of empty house would be depressing for anyone, and our daughter Grace would be here with him half the time, too.

My eyes angle down as I descend the carpeted stairs in the too-short Lululemon skirt I recently treated myself to from the sale rack while shopping with my daughter Alex. I discreetly tug the hem as I walk, trying to keep my curvy thighs under wraps.

“Sorry. We’re getting divorced and it’s just hard,” I say, not really sure what I’m apologizing for. “I had a pretty rough night. I almost canceled you guys, I was so overwhelmed and unsure…” my voice breaks as I look up and into the warm hazel eyes of the main mover guy.

He leans in and says softly, “ I understand. I just went through it myself a year and a half ago. It’s hard, but it’s for the best. Or at least in my case, it was,” he shrugs. His voice is low and calm. He looks right into my bloodshot eyes, and I feel seen. He has wavy salt and pepper hair and his face is lined from years of smiling. Around my age, I guess.

“I think it will be for the best in my case, too. I’m the one who asked for the divorce. But it’s still hard. Still complicated. Still sad,” I say.

“Yeah, divorce is basically an agreement that you’re giving up on your marriage, on yourselves really. You’re admitting defeat.”

“Yes, admitting you failed at marriage… again,” I say, shaking my head. “This is my third time. I never saw myself as someone who would be married three times, let alone divorced three times.”

Yesterday was the 22nd anniversary of my wedding. October 13, 2001. Not my wedding day with Mike. The first one. The starter marriage that lasted less than a year. It’s crazy to think that if Ian and I had stayed married, we’d be celebrating 22 years together. I would be someone who had stayed married for 22 years. Instead of who I am.

(more…)

Fight Song – September 20, 2019

Fight Song – September 20, 2019

Today is the second anniversary of the day I received my breast cancer diagnosis. Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming memoir, Believe about the moment when I got the news…

So, as it turns out, the very first person I tell that I have breast cancer is my three-year-old daughter. Which isn’t all that surprising if you know me.

 

It’s one of those glorious early fall days in Arizona, where the blazing heat is finally starting to lift, and it’s actually cool enough to be at the park in the middle of the afternoon after months stuck inside air-conditioned rooms…

 

I gently stretch back, close my eyes and turn my head up toward the soft sunlight streaming through the sail shade that sweeps over the playground to protect the kids from the scorching Arizona sun. I breathe in the fresh air and listen for a moment to the birds chirping softly in the distance…

 

Hugging Arya tightly to my chest, I kiss her sweet soft cheek, and then pick up my phone and snap a selfie of our smiling faces against the backdrop of green grass and blue sky. My reddish-brown hair windswept across my face. The transition lenses in my glasses darkened from the bright sun. A few wrinkles visible on my forehead and by my mouth. A full smile revealing straight white teeth – the product of four years of braces in high school and multiple extractions before that. The tanned olive skin on my perfectly healthy-looking chest slightly pink from the sun’s heat. Our hands gently grasping the swing’s chain. My Iphone’s live mode even captures our gentle swinging in the breeze on this perfect, perfect afternoon. The snapshot mirrors how I’m feeling in this brief slice of time – full of joy, hope, excitement; looking forward with great expectation to whatever may be coming, even though on some level, I already know it’s cancer….

 

 My phone rings. A local number that’s not in my contacts. I answer immediately, thinking maybe it’s SimonMed calling to let me know I can come get the biopsy report now. The moment of calm is gone and I’m back to obsessing about that biopsy. 

 

But it’s Dr. Nakamura, the high-risk breast specialist I’ve been seeing since my first biopsy two years ago. That one revealed a benign mass of hardened milk from breastfeeding.

 

“You have ductal carcinoma in situ,” she says. “The earliest form of breast cancer.”

 

I take a breath as my mind races. I ask whatever questions I can think of as I stand incongruously on the wood-chipped playground with my cell phone to my ear. We talk for a few minutes about next steps. She says she’ll work on getting me an appointment with a surgeon in her group and call me back a little later. She says she’s calling from her personal cell phone and I can call her back with any other questions I think of. 

 

The fact that I have the doctor’s personal cell phone number, that she’s working on a Friday afternoon to make sure I get in with the surgeon first thing Monday morning, makes me feel special and just a little scared. Suddenly everything is different, even though I’m standing in the same park from just a moment ago, the same busy, crazy life. Now I have Cancer. Will I keep going to class? Will I keep going to work? Will I be able to take a break from it all?

 

I know in an instant that if it’s a choice I’m given and covered by my insurance, I will get a double mastectomy. My double D’s have served their purpose – breastfeeding my three baby girls. They have also entertained my husband…and more than a few other boys. I was blessed with really good boobs. But I have no qualms about kissing them goodbye. I’ve heard too many sad stories of women who take care of one breast cancer only to get another one a year later, five years later, 10 years later. I’ve seen too many women die of breast cancer. I’m not going to mess around with it. I won’t take that risk. I don’t need my breasts to live a long, healthy life, and I won’t let them kill me. 

 

Almost exactly 10 years ago, my mom called to tell me her biopsy had revealed early-stage breast cancer. I remember her telling me that it would have been a full five years before those microcalcifications that showed up on her mammogram would have formed into a mass large enough to feel under the skin. That struck me. And I’ve always had mammograms as recommended since then. My mom was fine. And I will be too.

 

Since they caught her cancer so early, she had a lot of choices in her treatment. She could do just a lumpectomy to take out the cancerous chunk, a single mastectomy of the affected breast, or a double mastectomy. I told her if it was me, I’d chop them both off and get a brand-new set. 

 

But it wasn’t my choice to make 10 years ago. Now it is. And my mind hasn’t changed. I’m ready to say goodbye to my 45-year-old saggy cancer-hiding boobs and replace them with a smaller, perkier set. I’m tired of always monitoring for this hidden danger. I want to be done with it. I’m almost grateful that the uninvited guest has finally arrived at the party, so I can be done waiting, start fighting, and kick that cancer out so fast it won’t know what hit it.

 

I end the call and look over at my little girl, now gleefully gliding down the slide. 

 

I scoop three-year-old Arya up in my arms and start walking toward the car, still reeling from the news. My mind tries to put together the appropriate sentence to share this news with the important people in my life. I’m outgoing, talkative and direct, but the phrase “I have cancer” doesn’t roll easily off the tongue. 

 

Some people ruminate for weeks over how to tell loved ones – particularly children – their cancer news: how best to word it, how to protect them. But I can’t keep this news inside. This little girl takes baths with me regularly and is constantly asking me all sorts of questions about bodies and how they work. I think for sure she’ll be a nurse or doctor someday. I’ve never seen a kid so fascinated with the human body. She’s seen my boobs a million times, and she came with Mike and I to the biopsy appointment two days ago. She knows I’m waiting for the results about the “ouchie in my boobie.” 

 

My tone is serious but optimistic as I tell her that the doctor just called to tell me that the ouchie in my boobie is in fact, Cancer, the bad stuff we were worried about. I quickly reassure her that it’s good they caught it early and that they will take it out with a surgery, just like the hip surgery I had a few years ago, where they fixed a torn labrum arthroscopically, and the three C-sections where they successfully delivered my three beautiful baby girls into the world. 

 

“Mommy’s going to be just fine,” I say brightly, to reassure us both.

 

She listens intently and takes in the news with an appropriate frown of sadness, a few questions, but no reason to believe this will dramatically change my life or hers. You get what you expect. 

 

Did I get breast cancer because I was expecting it, monitoring for it? I can’t help but wonder. Was it working the night shift that threw off my circadian rhythm and caused the cells in my breast to mutate? Just last week I learned the specifics about how cancer cells are formed in the human body in my pathophysiology class. And now the black and white terms from the digital online textbook have become personal, invading my own body. Necrosis. Mutation. My cancer is non-invasive, contained in the duct. But that could change quickly. Cancer doesn’t like containment.

 

I move through my shift at the hospital and the rest of the weekend in a sort of dazed stupor. Outwardly, I smile and laugh and joke. But inwardly I scream, “Don’t you know I just found out I have breast cancer?! How can you expect me to still clean up shit, study patho, act like everything is normal?” 

 

I wish that everyone could just see that I desperately need a hug and someone to listen to me without having to say the words, “I have breast cancer.” I wish they could just tell. I wish I wore a sign on my chest. 

 

And there is also an underlying thought that I have a really minor kind of cancer and maybe I don’t even deserve much sympathy anyway. 

 

I’m not scared of dying, and it’s relatively easy for me to feel optimistic. I see the silver linings, but I still feel panicky and confused – and also so very tired. I wish I could just curl into a little ball and go to sleep for a very long time. And at the same time, I feel led to shout a message of hope from the mountaintops. I have this vague sense of excitement about what’s to come. And I pray that God will use this challenge in some amazing way. 

 

On Monday morning, I walk into the office of my new breast surgeon, Dr. Sommer Gunia, feeling like it’s the first day at a brand-new job, school or adventure. As I prepare myself a cup of tea at the cozy drink station set up in the comfortable lobby, I can’t help but notice the little wooden sign on the table: Cancer touched my breast, I kicked its ass. It makes me smile. I quickly snap a picture of it. Cursing isn’t really my style – never was, even before I was a Christian. But I like the strength of these words, and I like the past tense of the phrase, like it’s already done. 

 

I’m ready for battle. But calm and almost joyful.

 

Inside Dolphin 406 – How a Luxury Cruise turned into a Covid-19 Prison for a Scottsdale Medical Couple

Inside Dolphin 406 – How a Luxury Cruise turned into a Covid-19 Prison for a Scottsdale Medical Couple

When Sommer and Steve Gunia left Arizona on January 16 and traveled across the world to Tokyo to board the fated Diamond Princess cruise on January 20, they had never even heard of the Novel Coronavirus that was already sweeping across China.

Sommer is a doctor (and particularly close to my own heart since she’s my breast cancer surgeon – the very one who cared for me during my recent diagnosis and performed my bilateral mastectomy). Her husband Steve is a pre-operative nurse at the (normally) busy outpatient surgery center where I had my surgeries.

But despite their medical background, in late January, they were just a couple embarking on a long-awaited vacation, along with Sommer’s parents.

Sommer said it was a bucket list item for the couple to enjoy an Asian cruise, particularly during the lunar New Year, which fell on January 25 this year and usually involves weeks of festivities across Asia. (Though this year’s festivities were almost nonexistent due to the virus, and the whole experience was significantly hampered by the language barrier.)

Sommer and Steve were married on a Princess cruise 18 years ago and had cruised many times since then, without a single issue.

It wasn’t until Feb. 3, the night before they were set to disembark, their luggage already packed and set outside their cabin door to be picked up by crew members overnight, that they realized they weren’t getting off the cruise ship anytime soon.

They learned that a Wuhan man who had boarded the ship in Tokyo, then disembarked in Hong Kong because he wasn’t feeling well, had been diagnosed with the new virus.

We all know what happened next. The virus swept through the ship, despite efforts to contain it, infecting more than 700 of the 3700 plus passengers aboard. And today the Diamond Princess Cruise ship is listed as its own country on the Johns Hopkins case map that keeps a tally of Covid-19 cases worldwide.

“We made history on that ship,” Sommer said ironically.

“A ship is like a petri dish,” Steve added.

With more than 600,000 cases in the U.S. and more than 2 million worldwide, the Gunias’ cruise-ship experience is no longer breaking news. They’ve been home for more than a month and a the CDC has published a detailed scientific paper on the ship’s outbreak.

But the complicated human experience of an outbreak on a cruise ship is in some ways even more interesting than the scientific study of just how that outbreak went down.

Though many of us feel like we are on house arrest these days, the passengers aboard that ship endured a much tighter quarantine, devoid of almost all human freedoms. Cruise ship cabins, even the most luxurious suites, are purposely small and simple, designed to keep passengers out enjoying the ship’s amenities, rather than hanging out in their rooms.

I finally sat down with Sommer and Steve at their Scottsdale home – sitting outside, at least six feet away, social distancing style – a few weeks ago, to hear their story and try to share it in some sort of meaningful way.

Back here at home sipping wine in their backyard, the desert blooms visible over their low fence, birds chirping, their dogs cuddling up with them on the plush outdoor couches, they told me they were grateful to be healthy and free, but also disturbed and forever changed by their harrowing 27-day experience that reads like a movie script. From being locked in their cabin – Dolphin 406 – on the ship, to being thrown onto a windowless cargo plane, not even knowing their destination until after landing, to what felt like a concentration camp experience back on U.S. soil, they felt dehumanized, stripped of their rights.

Their feelings of helplessness, anxiety and raw fear were only exacerbated by the lack of communication. They felt very much like prisoners, with other people making almost every decision for them.

At one point, several days into their second quarantine, now locked in an Airforce base in Texas, Sommer stood at a chain-linked fence that contained the prisoners (i.e. cruise ship passengers) in their temporary military living quarters, frustrated and at the end of her patience, wanting answers. With tears streaming down her face, she rattled the gates and cried out to the guards,

“We are people! We are human beings! You need to listen to me,” she pleaded.

Dr. Gunia is a wonderful doctor – the perfect blend of educated, confident and compassionate. She takes the time to really communicate with her patients in an empathetic, authentic and truly caring way.

She had performed my bilateral mastectomy only months before, and I was still under her care when I learned of her confinement on Feb. 14. Taking a quick break in the middle of my own grueling 12-hour shift as a nursing assistant in the hospital, I read an emailed copy of a news story about the couple’s plight.

I reached out to her about the possibility of writing a more in-depth story about their unbelievable experience, but at the time her company was concerned about publicizing the story, not wanting Dr. Gunia to be known as the “Coronavirus doctor.”

Though she didn’t even have the virus herself, the Novel Coronavirus was a scary and distant contagion that was “out there” at the time. Now the disease has spread across the world and our nation, forever changing us in so many ways. It has become both more insidious and less taboo. Covid-19 has become a household name.

And the Gunias’ experience was like an eerie foreshadowing of what was to come for the world, the cruise ship like a microcosm of a small city.

By the time they finally were cleared from their quarantine and returned home, the entire world was changing quickly, but when the crew first began offering masks upon disembarkment at the various Asian ports of call, the couple didn’t see the virus as a serious threat. Exiting the ship in Hong Kong, they refused the masks that were offered. They had heard there were just a few cases in Hong Kong at the time.

“We weren’t going to get all excited about it,” Sommer said. “This stuff happens all the time. Lots of Asians wear masks all the time,” Sommer said.

So being avid Disney fans, they visited Disneyland Hong Kong.

“We were there for three hours and they shut it down three hours after we left,” Steve said.

And their decadent Club Class elite passenger experience quickly went from luxury dining and leisurely card games with Sommer’s parents to being locked inside Dolphin 406, their cabin suite turned prison cell, feeling scared and hungry, hoarding hard-boiled eggs.

The ship was brought back into Japanese waters, gambling shut down since they were no longer out at sea, but at first no one told the passengers why this was happening. Sommer thought perhaps it was a mechanical issue.

But then the captain finally announced – late in the evening of Feb. 3 – that a passenger had been diagnosed with Covid-19 and that medical crew would be coming around to every room, starting at the top of the ship and working their way down – to interview and examine passengers.

Sommer said she didn’t know whether to stay in her clothes or change into pajamas. The crew didn’t get to their room until after they returned from breakfast late the next morning. Yes, they were still allowed to go to breakfast in the restaurant. In fact, they even had lunch and dinner outside of their room that day, the last day they were able to roam the ship freely – the day they should have disembarked in Okinawa and headed home.

By mid-day they texted their travel agent and rebooked their afternoon flight for a midnight one, still thinking they would be able to disembark that day. Then they texted her again that evening to rebook for the next day, still not being told that they would serve a ship-based quarantine.

“You are in such limbo and you don’t know what to do,” Sommer said. Sentiments that we all can relate to now.

“We as Americans actually have really good immune systems. We don’t wear masks all the time, we get our vaccines. We are in healthcare, but my parents are in the higher risk category,” Sommer said.

But thankfully, none of the family ever became sick with Covid-19.

The next day – February 5 – the captain announced that 10 people so far had tested positive and everyone would be quarantined for 14 days.

They had to cancel yet another flight. Steve had to let his boss know he wouldn’t be there for his scheduled shifts. And Sommer had to call her office so that her staff could reschedule cancer surgeries – 18 patients were scheduled for breast cancer surgery that following week. Her partners performed the surgeries that could not be postponed.

They begged to be able to do their quarantine on U.S. soil instead of aboard a ship off the coast of Japan. That way, at least if they did get sick, they would be with doctors who spoke English. With no interpreter aboard the ship, the language barrier really did add to the mounting anxiety.

Soon they ran out of basic supplies – from toothpaste and toiletries to important medications for blood pressure, anxiety and depression – which can’t be stopped suddenly without serious consequences.

Once the quarantine started, Dolphin 406 became their prison cell. Crew members monitored the halls.

On Day 3 they finally let passengers take a daily walk around the deck, about 40 people at a time, at least six feet apart, wearing masks, and sanitizing hands at frequent intervals.

The crew sent Sudoku puzzles and decks of cards to keep them busy, and though they had internet access, it wasn’t strong enough for streaming. The TV in their room played the world news in the background most of the time. That’s how the couple received most of the information they did receive. But most of the U.S. news at the time was still focused on Trump’s impeachment proceedings and election caucuses.

Sommer started talking to reporters, hoping to get word out to US authorities about their situation.

Though there was the luxury of not having to do her hair and makeup, and a legitimate excuse not to work, they both found it hard to enjoy their quarantine time in any way.

“There are a lot of things we would have liked to have done during our quarantine time, but we just weren’t there emotionally,” Sommer said. “All you are looking forward to is that knock on the door to see what food they have for you this time.”

Food was all they had to look forward to and they had no motivation to exercise. They said that being quarantined at home would be a luxury compared to being stuck in a small room on a ship at sea.

Steve admitted he gained 20 pounds during the month-long quarantine and couldn’t even tell the story of what they endured without crying when they first got home. He said the worst part is that they felt utterly alone, they weren’t experiencing this with the rest of the world like we are today.

“They are making all the decisions for you,” Sommer said. ‘You have no control of your life at all.”

Though passengers were isolated in negative pressure rooms, providing what should have been an effective quarantine, crew members who were living in cramped quarters and had no notion of proper infection control were still roaming the ship freely, delivering food and supplies to the sequestered passengers. So, despite social distancing and quarantine efforts, the numbers kept increasing instead of decreasing.

They said that a Japanese infectious disease doctor – experienced with outbreaks, including Ebola – boarded the ship to help with this one and told them he’d never been so scared in his life.

Finally, on Day 12, they we told that they could disembark and were asked to RSVP with their names, ages and other information if they wanted to do so. They put their bags outside their room once more. They waited in line for hours, then boarded buses. And they waited. Hours and hours on a bus. Breathing the same air as infected passengers.

Eventually the buses took them to a tarmac where they boarded a cargo plane sometime after midnight, but didn’t take off until 5 am. They said they had heard that the CDC was fighting with U.S. government about whether infected individuals should be transported along with uninfected. They ultimately decided to transport them all together.

The plane had no windows, but was outfitted with porta-potties, exposed sewage lines and makeshift seats strapped down with cargo straps or bolted randomly to the floor. CDC workers aboard the plane wore high-tech suits fitted with their own individual air supplies, but healthy patients were separated from unhealthy ones by just a plastic sheet. Thank goodness for the masks they all still wore.

“And they couldn’t tell us if we were going to California or Texas, because they didn’t know,” Steve said. He added that he took sleep meds to knock himself out in order to make it through the long night. After more than 15 hours in flight, they landed in San Antonio, Texas.

It was a drizzly foggy day, but Steve said tears sprung to his eyes and Sommer said she wanted to kiss the ground when they finally stepped down onto American soil and heard applause and fanfare from those waiting to greet them.

They passed quickly through customs in the hangar. Their bags were sprayed down with disinfectant, then they were transported to their new lodgings, former officers’ quarters at Lackland Airforce Base. Though there were written instructions in their rooms, it was unclear at first whether they were even allowed to go outside, and soldiers on the base were told not to fraternize with the passengers.

Eventually they were allowed out for walks each day, and food was brought to them in wagons by soldiers in masks, gowns, gloves and face shields, the same uniform worn now by “soldiers” on the frontlines in our hospitals.

Each morning at dawn, bugles blared the familiar military wake-up call, Reveille. And in the afternoon they heard the solemn Taps cry carried throughout the base.

But other than the comforting patriotic melodies projecting over loudspeakers, the passengers received no formal communication about the plan or timing of their quarantine. Sommer said that by Day 3, she had just had it. She wanted answers. She went down to the gate and demanded answers.

“Do you realize that we are people in here? We are not just Diamond cruise ship passengers. We have families, pets! Do you have a daughter? How would you feel if she was being treated like this? You guys need to give us some information,” she screamed.

Steve said he watched his wife’s rant and felt powerless to do anything to comfort her. He and everyone else felt exactly the same. She was giving voice to the frustration they all felt. He didn’t have the heart to do anything, but went and got her parents and they were able to coax her away from the fence.

“Look at what you’ve done to my daughter,” her mom cried. “She’s a surgeon!”

Sommer’s powerful display of emotion produced results, and the next day there was a town hall meeting by telephone, and another one each day after that.

“Why did it take three days to get any information,” Sommer asked. She said that not knowing what was happening was the scariest part. The passengers had just come out of 12 days quarantined on a cruise ship and now they were somewhere new, with an entirely new routine and no idea of when it would end. They were ready to start planning their lives. They were also frustrated to learn that other ships weren’t quarantining their passengers. And by the time they returned to the U.S., Covid-19 had started to spread despite the ship’s passengers being kept away.

“We went through all that quarantine and now it’s still here anyway,” Sommer said. “It’s like they they put us through that for nothing.”

I couldn’t help but correlate their experience and their emotions to that of a cancer patient, or any patient, facing a scary diagnosis or being stuck in the hospital, waiting for communication from doctors, eagerly anticipating their discharge.

I believe that once Steve and Sommer recover from the trauma and disruption this experienced caused, they will find it has given them new reserves of empathy and understanding of their patients, and has made them even better medical professionals than they were before.

In any case, it’s good to be home, even if life looks a little different back home these days.

Ode to My Breasts, a Eulogy and a Celebration of Life

Ode to My Breasts, a Eulogy and a Celebration of Life

The Breast is Yet to Come: My Journey Through Breast Cancer, Treatment and Reconstruction

Watching the new Little Women movie in the theater several weeks ago, I was struck by the fact that I never really grieved the loss of my breasts. Or celebrated their life. Since chopping them off due to breast cancer a few months ago.

There’s a scene in the movie where Jo has just cut off her hair and sold it in order to give her mother some money to take care of her ailing father. Jo, who’s generally more concerned with books and writing than beauty, nonetheless sits sobbing on the stairs as she intensely grieves the loss of her beautiful locks. “Your one beauty!” her sister Amy proclaims dramatically. And I sat there in the theater with tears running down my own face as I recognized and felt the profound grief the actress so perfectly portrayed. Until then, I hadn’t felt it. I had moved so quickly to triumph and silver linings, as I always do. Just as Jo chopped off her hair for a reason and a purpose, a bold expression of life and freedom, taking control in her own small way over a situation she had little control over, so did I with the bilateral mastectomy. And just as Jo was left with a new perky hairstyle, I had boldly announced to my friends that I was excited about a new set of perky smaller breasts. And I was.

But Jo’s hair would grow back and be just as beautiful as before. And though perhaps my new set of boobs might also eventually be something someone might call beautiful, the reality of recreating a set of breasts after a complete bilateral mastectomy is a far cry from a “boob job.”

And really, I’m OK with that. What do I need them for anyway? Other than to help me look somewhat normal in women’s clothing and give my husband something to play with…on the rare occasion that I even let him! But I had glossed over the fact that a major part of my body would be amputated and that whatever breast-like mounds my expert surgeon would create would never again be the soft life-filled breasts that had been mine since puberty.

With no nipples, thin skin that lacks a fat layer to surround the implant, big purple scars streaked down and across like anchors,

very little sensation, and absolutely no breast tissue whatsoever, it will be a very long time before the two mottled disks on my chest begin to resemble breasts or offer much entertainment to my husband. Though they may look pretty good from underneath my clothing, they probably will never be the perky cute things I first imagined would replace the large 45-year-old sagging breasts that had breastfed all three of my babies. Furthermore, at that moment, I was in the midst of an internal debate over whether I should even move forward with implants as planned, as I learned more about the dangers they could pose to my body. But that decision process is a whole different aspect of my story. Today, I wanted to take a moment to grieve my loss and celebrate the life of my breast friends.

A friend said to me the other day that I never talk about my boobs.

And I realized that even though I feel like I never stop talking about breast cancer and this reconstruction journey, I really don’t talk much about my actual boobs and their life before breast cancer took them from me. And I’m sure a lot of people reading this think that’s the way it should be. There’s part of me that thinks talking about my boobs publicly is completely inappropriate, embarrassing to my kids (but then again so is everything I do these days!), un-Christian and vaguely narcissistic. While it’s (barely) become acceptable to be bold about breast feeding and breast cancer, I’ve been careful to be vague about any references to my boobs as sexual objects or parts of me that I actually really loved. But I’m part of a few Facebook groups that serve as virtual support groups for women going through breast cancer, double mastectomies, and reconstruction, and some of the conversations going on there have emboldened me to take a moment to remember the breasts I once had and share a few fun stories of our time together. Feel free to stop reading if you find this offensive.

The truth is I was blessed with really great breasts, and now that they are gone forever, I feel like I have earned the right to say that out loud.

I remember a moment in high school uttering a secret silly prayer that God would grant me big breasts and long legs. Both seemed equally unlikely, as I had been just a tad over 5 feet tall for a few years by then, with short stocky legs, curvy hips and a cute perky set of 34Bs that didn’t seem likely to grow any larger. But somehow, over the next few years, the boobs continued to grow, though sadly the legs did not. Eventually they became C cups, then D and then Double D (or even triple, depending on the band size and the brand sizing.)

I was honestly a bit perturbed that of the two options – legs and boobs – God had chosen boobs to give me, as I could have paid for bigger boobs, but as of yet there was no operation to give me the long, lean legs I wished I had.

But deep down I felt lucky to have God-given breasts that women would pay thousands of dollars for. God is truly the ultimate craftsman.

A guy I dated briefly in my 20s told me I had the “best boobs in Scottsdale,” and even though there are so many things wrong with that scenario and statement, I took the fact that he’d seen who-knows-how-many commercially enhanced breasts and thought mine were better as a serious compliment to God’s work, even though looking back I should have perhaps been offended by his sexual objectification of me as a person, or at least ashamed of myself for putting myself in a place to be appraised in that way. In college, my self-dubbed nickname was Double D. Though I had originally referred to myself that way in a self-deprecating nod to my tendency to sometimes act like an airhead even though I was actually pretty smart – Ditzy Danielle, as soon as the name sprung from my lips, the entire mixed gender group of friends I was talking to looked down from my face to my breasts, and I realized it was a perfect double entendre. I often wished I had been bold enough to pay my way through college by working at a topless bar, using my boobs for a purpose.

But even in my wildest days, I really was pretty conservative and prude underneath it all – and anyone I ever dated is nodding his head in agreement on that.

I couldn’t even muster the courage to go topless on the beach in the South of France, where it really is acceptable and not even sexual. Despite the fact that my dad is French and I was raised to be comfortable with my sexuality, I was more Puritan American than European sensualist. Yet in my youth, I really wanted to be free and uninhibited. Another time in my 20s, as I was driving across the country with my then boyfriend, we arranged our trip to correspond with Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I loved everything about the French-infused city of New Orleans, and as we visited the Carnavale party on the streets, I saw countless women flashing their boobs and then being showered with plastic beads and other goodies, like a semi-grown-up version of trick-or-treating. Looking back it seems so frivolous and misogynistic, but at the time, I really wanted to be able to let loose a little, shake off my inhibitions and flash my boobs, too. So, understanding that I really wanted to have the experience of doing that, but knowing that I’d never be brave (or stupid) enough to do it myself, my boyfriend reached his arms around me from behind and lifted up my top – bra and all – to free my breasts for all the world – or at least whoever happened to be passing by – to see. It was a fun, exhilarating and carefree experience that I’ve always been secretly glad I got to have. And thankfully that was before cell phone cameras and social media.

Many years later, a few days after the birth of my oldest daughter, I laughed through tears of pain as I tried to force a milk-engorged breast the size and shape of a football into my tiny and very sleepy newborn daughter’s mouth.

I used to joke that large breasts were not necessarily a benefit where breast feeding was concerned. I had to hold them with my hand to make sure they didn’t smother my babies, whereas my small-breasted friends could just bring their babies right up to their breast without the help of a hand to hold up its weight, even walking around the house while they nursed, cradling the baby gently with one arm or hands-free with a sling. I could definitely never do that. I needed two hands available for the job. And my breasts produced enough milk for a small army rather than a single tiny baby. All three of them had symptoms of reflux in those first few weeks, but really it was just because milk poured into their mouth like water from a firehose! After breast feeding, there was certainly some deflation, but when all was said and done, they still weren’t bad, all things considered.

But as soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I didn’t even hesitate before deciding to chop them off.

So many women I meet are scared to death of a mastectomy, choosing instead a lumpectomy, which they see as a less-invasive option. It’s a very personal choice, and because they caught mine early, it was my choice to make. To me, the lumpectomy route actually felt more invasive. Cutting a chunk out of my breast, leaving me deformed, hopefully getting it all but never quite being sure I wouldn’t have to go back under the knife to get another spot, felt like trying to carve out the bad parts of a rotting apple. Not to mention that if I had chosen the lumpectomy route, I would have had to endure radiation and hormone therapy, both of which came with side effects that I really wanted to avoid. I wanted to go through this once and be done. I didn’t want to face breast cancer and the life disruption that comes in its wake again 2 years from now, 10 years from now, or 30 years from now. I’ve met too many people who chose a lumpectomy or a single mastectomy and then got breast cancer – or brain, uterine, cervical or lung cancer – later on. I’m only 45. I could easily have another half my life to live. And I’ve got places to go and things to do!

So, goodbye my breast friends. You were lots of fun. Thank you for the laughs and good times. You were loved, but you certainly weren’t worth dying for.

 

Why Pink Makes Me Feel Strong

Why Pink Makes Me Feel Strong

Today is World Cancer Day

Recently a friend posted about how she’s not a fan of the whole colors for causes thing, but even though I deeply respect her feelings, I don’t agree…

She said that every time she sees purple, she feels distress because it reminds her of her dad’s pancreatic cancer. She imagined that breast cancer “victims” must feel the same each time they see pink. (As if they had forgotten they had breast cancer and seeing the color was a harsh reminder.)

Seeing pink has never made me feel anything other than solidarity against a common enemy

The pink doesn’t represent the cancer, it represents the fighters. It represents our team, not the other team. Kind of like if we were in a war against another country and we saw the colors red, white and blue, it wouldn’t remind us of the bad guy, but of our team that is fighting.

I also have never thought of myself as a “victim,” but rather as a draftee.

I was chosen to fight. And not just against my own little speck of cancer, but for others, too. I’ve become part of a team that I never wanted to join, but that I’ve joined nonetheless.

The colors are obviously a commercial idea that earns lots of money for the industry. Probably most of it doesn’t actually go toward cancer research, but for me, as a cancer survivor, seeing pink makes me feel strong, not weak. It reminds me how many people are fighting with me, even if just in spirit. Here’s my littlest fighter, Arya wearing her pink!

Another good friend said that cancer is a disease not a war campaign. And while I heartily agree with her, I’m starting to understand that if thinking of it as a war helps get more people caring, sharing and learning, then perhaps the war verbiage is something I can live with…

Tomorrow I’m attending a Cancer Awareness Day at the state capitol as a representative of the American Cancer Society’s Cancer Action Network. This is my first step toward doing something more than just trying to figure out my own plan for my own little cancer and sharing my thoughts to my friends through my blog.

The Top 25 Ideas Running Through my Jam-Packed Brain

The Top 25 Ideas Running Through my Jam-Packed Brain

I’ve been relatively quiet on social media the past few months and a few people have reached out to make sure everything is OK.

It wasn’t this big, planned out thing, nor was it a social media fast. I didn’t disconnect entirely, just became a little less vocal about all I’ve been doing and thinking, mostly because I was just so busy doing and thinking it!

Any time I would devote to writing blog posts or even basic social media updates and cute photos of my family, has been eaten up by all the unseen activities in a busy life.

I know it’s no longer cool to say, “I’m so busy.”

So let’s just say my life is jam-packed with all the things: from a full-time job as a Patient Care Technician (nursing assistant) that’s harder and more exhausting than any of the many jobs I’ve done in my life, to dealing with paperwork and applications for nursing school, cancer deferment for my student loans, financial and tax stuff, kids and family stuff…

Oh, and then I’m supposed to be…trying to be…deeply desire to be…a writer. So, I’ve been trying to carve out several hours a week to work on my first book. The one I have been working on – off and on –  for close to 15 years.

I’ve also been learning how to turn my blog into an online business of sorts. And meanwhile not publishing a single post on said blog! But I’m not going to beat myself up. And I know no one really cares how many times a week or month I post in my silly blog anyway (0 in all the month of January and only a few in December, but who’s counting!) and no one has missed the welcome email I haven’t gotten around to sending out yet to all my friends, family, former clients and blog subscribers. Especially since I don’t really know who my “audience” should be anyway!

So now it’s the beginning of February and I wake up early on a Sunday morning to take a breath, spend some time thinking and contemplating, and then write a little update about the things I have been thinking and contemplating in my relative silence.

Of course there are those obvious things that lots of people have been thinking about recently, the big current news stories: fires in Australia and all those poor animals dying, the Coronavirus, the impeachment trials and election, Kobe Bryant and what to make for the Super Bowl party.

But the things that have really taken up space in my brain are both smaller and bigger, more personal and more universal, more general and more specific.

Maybe a few of these will become blog posts or articles soon, but for now, here’s a list of a few of the things that have been on my mind the past few months – a brain dump, if you will:

  1. Whether getting breast implants following my bilateral mastectomy is really the best choice for me…
  2. The amazing audiobook I just finished listening to, A Second Chance by Catherine Hoke…
  3. 5 Top reasons this middle-aged mom drives for Uber and Lyft
  4. Why I ever thought I should and could become a nurse at 40+ years old
  5. Why I inactivated my Real Estate License after 20 years…
  6. The fact that the young man who was shot and killed by police after showing up at one of my company’s hospitals brandishing weapons last week was an employee I had met briefly during training last year, a normal looking blonde-headed kid
  7. My mixed emotions after receiving a postcard in the mail this weekend announcing a sex offender in our neighborhood…
  8. Working my last shift at the hospital last week and preparing for a new position as part of the float pool, which will have me working at all five hospitals in our network and all different departments…
  9. Why I keep showing up for this job, which should have the description: professional butt wiper, waitress, maid and counselor, and is the hardest job I’ve ever done and pays among the least…
  10. All the crazy things I saw while at this hospital – which serves a very different population from most of the ones I’ve been surrounded by – and where I regularly cared for homeless people, drug addicts, diabetics, amputees, and patients with mental illnesses of all types.
  11. How every single one of these people were just people, each with their own story and their own struggle, and how just acknowledging our similarities, connecting with them, allowing them some dignity as I cleaned up their messes – and smiling as much as possible, seemed to make a difference…
  12. The top 5 reasons I’m looking to switch nursing programs following my current leave of absence for breast cancer treatment…
  13. Paying off debt while in nursing school with an irregular income …
  14. How blessed I feel by our health insurance coverage in this difficult time…
  15. How parenting teenagers is sometimes harder than parenting toddlers
  16. Contemplating the preciousness and beauty of life after attending a memorial service for a 12-year-old who lived life better than many of us…
  17. My book – Believe: a Memoir and a Manifesto
  18. How I once became a runner and wonder if I’ll ever become one again…
  19. How I prepare meals for our family which includes both a committed 11-year-old vegetarian and a few hardcore carnivores and how to know what kind of eating is really the best: from Keto to Veganism, I’m surrounded by opposing views…
  20. Meanwhile, while I’ve been surrounded by healthy eating and an active vibrant community my whole life, I take care of patients who truly don’t know a carbohydrate from a protein and have no idea how each affects their body, blood sugar and overall health…and I feel like I should help people like that somehow…
  21. The similarities between suicide and drowning (How the moments leading up to each are so much more silent than you’d think)…
  22. Why I have secretly disliked phrases like “Kick cancer’s butt!” even though I’ve been praised for having a truly inspiring attitude as I faced my own little fleck of cancer, and how a conversation with a cancer patient at work validated my feelings, helped me understand them better, and sparked an idea of how I can truly make a difference in the fight against cancer
  23. Why seeing the color pink doesn’t make me feel weak but rather strong…
  24. Why I make time to get together regularly with new friends and old, even when I feel like I have too many responsibilities, big dreams to chase and no time for me…
  25. How I can help others see their glass as half full instead of half empty and find the silver linings in their own circumstances

This is not an exhaustive list. My brain is always gathering data, asking questions, formulating answers, dreaming big dreams and creating plans, even while I clean up sh*t, figuratively – or more often than not – quite literally!

Let me know which of these resonate with you and which ones you’d like to hear more about!

 

 

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